Move To Burlington — We’ll Hang Out

Greetings from East Burlington Iowa! I for one wish I was currently in West Burlington, since west side is most certainly the best side, and eat side is most certainly the freak side… but I am much too lazy to walk the one hundred feet or so to get to the best west side, so for now, I’ll stay over here and get my freak on.

So I’m sitting here in my Holiday Inn Express room bored out of my freakin mind since I don’t have anything to do until I leave at about 2:30PM CST. Don’t get me wrong, I love being able to relax since I basically worked from 5am to 8:30pm, so I am still a little tired, but there is only so much you can do in a hotel room. I’ve already stage dived onto the bed like 5 thousand times and of course you know I stole all of those little soaps and shampoos (they are so cute!), but that took me all of about 30 seconds, so now I am just like… duh….

But speaking of beds, this time the company that hired me went all out and snagged me a king sized room and bed (unlike last time when they got the king sized rooms for themselves and I got the regular “you’re not quite as fat or cool as us” room), and let me tell you, this is one huge bed. I’ve never slept on a bed that big, and in all honesty, it maybe too much bed for me to handle. I mean, I totally slept on just the one side since I was too afraid I would get stranded in the middle or worse, the bed might just actually eat me, so I left about 3 miles of it unused. How big do you need to be to justify a bed that takes over three pillows? I could have slept on that bed horizontally and had room to spare… but then again I am a midget.

I have to say, everyone here in Burlington seems super nice… maybe, too nice. I went to McDonalds (since that is my health club…I’ve gotta fit into my king size bed after all) and the woman at the register new every customer by name. And, get this, the woman at the front desk of the hotel already knows me by name. Sure, I know I have a couple of distinguishing facial features, like that gigantic growth coming off my shoulders, but I mean wow, I feel like a local already. I’ll have to go chill with my homeboys Jim and Kenny down by the Mighty Mississippi, catch some cray fish, and poke some dead bodies. Because that’s what you do in the midwest… or was that the south, I don’t really remember. All I know is there are dead bodies… scads and scads of them, and they are just waiting to comeback as Chevy driving zombies with my stolen gaff tape holding up their bumpers…

Whelp, as I mentioned before, I fly back to the artic temperatures of PA today (dude, it was freakin 56º here yesterday… 56º!), so Burlington, thanks for the great time, it was a blast. I should be checking back here on Friday, so until then, wish you were here and all of the postcard jazz.

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